Have you ever had a girls’ night with your friends where you sat around and just talked about life? You know, the type of night where you spilled your guts about your deep feelings, the ones you hide from most of the world? The best part about the night is that you are able to freely share your deepest, darkest, and oftentimes most challenging thoughts and feelings without judgment. You can be completely open and still feel loved and accepted. While your experiences may not be exactly the same, you leave this special night knowing that you are not alone. Everyone, including your best friends, experience hard times too.
That feeling I just described is what I felt as I read Jordan Lee Dooley’s book ‘Own Your Everyday.’ Jordan, (I am going to call her Jordan because I feel as if we are good friends now.) wrote this book as if she was speaking to you personally, pouring her guts out about her personal experiences, while giving you the best motivational advice, as if she was taking you by the hand, giving you a hug, and saying Sister, you’ve got this!
“You know that feeling that comes when you scroll through Instagram and it seems everyone else has her life figured out? Or how you start to sweat as graduation or marriage or another big milestone approaches and you think, I have GOT to figure out my life? Or the way your stomach drops when your dad calls during those awkward postgrad years and asks about your plans for the future? Or when your pastor talks about callings and you just sit there and wish you could call God and say, Hey, so do You think You can just get to the point and tell me what to do with my life? All this waiting around feels pretty ineffective. Yeah, those are the feelings I’m tackling in this book because I know the search can seem endless and the pressure is real.”
If that paragraph of questions doesn’t grab your attention to read this book, then I honestly don’t know what will!
As I sit here, typing this review of this amazing book, I can say, “Hi I am Amber. I am 32 years old and I still don’t have life figured out.” But do any of us?
I believe that “our purpose” changes with the seasons of life. Only sometimes, we enjoy our purpose so much in one season of life, it’s hard to let go when the next season is knocking at your door. So, instead of just opening the door and moving forward into that new glorious season, we turn around and bang on the closed door. It never opens. Then we become frustrated and start questioning what our purpose truly is. The ironic thing is that our new purpose is right there waiting for us to open the door and embrace it.
The question is why? Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we get stuck in a place between our old purpose and our new one?
“Maybe my purpose isn’t actually something I need to find. Maybe I’ve been sitting on it all along but I’ve been so distracted by the pressure to prove that I’ve been looking at it all wrong. When we’re always under pressure to find something that isn’t actually lost—believing we must find it outside ourselves—or when we’re distracted with running around trying to prove we are enough, we cannot accomplish what we’re meant to do. Know why? Because the pressure to prove and true purpose cannot coexist.”
WHERE DO I START?
As I am teaching my children, I oftentimes find myself looking back and referring to lessons I have learned from my Grandma. Grandma was very smart, despite only having a High School diploma. She was the one who pushed me to get good grades in school. She taught me the importance of saving money and investing in assets that matter. She taught me how to be kind and giving to others. She participated in monthly Bingo and Birthday parties at the local nursing home. She would bring birthday cake, her famous No-Bake Cookies, and several prizes to share with her elderly comrades, most of them younger than her. She taught me the importance of having a food storage, just in case the grocery stores ever ran out of food. (This was when I was a little girl, decades before Covid.) She taught me the importance of being self-reliant, by growing your own food and being prepared. She taught me how to work hard. She taught me the importance of being outside and moving your body. She got up every day in the warmer months, went outside, and worked in her garden—even into her late 90s. She taught me how to keep a tidy home. She taught me the true meaning of Christmas present giving—making sure that everyone has something to open on Christmas Day without giving any regard as to what she would get. Some of my fondest memories with Grandma revolve around Christmas. I can honestly say that Christmas and life in general are just not the same without Grandma in them.
I try every day to be a little more like my Grandma. A little more kind, a little more loving, a little more wise, a little more prepared.
Jordan spoke of her Nana very much the same way as I speak of my Grandma. She describes some of the life lessons she learned from her Nana as a child. She described one memory as the “Big Step.” Her Nana would outline a square made with masking tape on the floor, leaving one corner open. This would become a house where Jordan would play for hours with her dolls.
“I’m always amazed when I realize these simple, seemingly insignificant childhood games we played had powerful lessons tucked inside. Doors are essential in life. Doors are the only way we allow others in and the only way we step out. They’re also the only way we move beyond the little walls we tend to build around ourselves in an effort to avoid vulnerability or possible betrayal. Perhaps in our most simple and unobserved experiences, such as mine with Nana, we learn more about the purpose tucked deep inside us than in the milestones and moments we publicize on social media.”
Sometimes Jordan and her Nana would play doctor in her pretend clinic marked by the masking tape square. Nana would knock at the pretend door and Jordan would reach her arm out as if she was welcoming her to her clinic. They would both shout together, “Big Step!”
This started when Jordan was a toddler learning how to walk. Nana would take her hand and help Jordan take a big step. Together they would walk and say “Big Step” with every step they took. This soon became their mantra. Jordan remembers in her teenage years Nana saying “Big Step” every time she felt unsure or nervous about something.
“Before I ever really understood the depth of what she was teaching me, Nana dared me to dream, to be bold in pursuing the path God lays right before me, and to take fearless steps with purpose before I figured anything else out. I think we often forget that every big step in life is really a series of tiny movements and small decisions that add up, becoming the very thing that allows us to move from living in insecurity to living out our destiny.”
Take a second and think about the life lessons or “Big Steps” your grandparents taught you. For me, my Grandma’s example and actions taught me so much about the person I want to be. I honestly believe that if everyone could be a little more like my Grandma the world would be a better place!
Sometimes even amongst all of the wonderful examples we have in our lives, the pressure to prove ourselves seems to take over. Have you ever felt like you needed to act a certain way, say certain things, dress a certain way or even be a certain way to fit in? I know I have.
Growing up, we didn’t have a lot of money. My mom did a good job of always having nice clean clothes for me to wear. However, they weren’t name brand…they weren’t what the other kids were wearing. I remember being in the bathroom washing my hands and one of the girls in my class asked me why I always wore those pants and never wore jeans. I hadn’t really given clothes much thought until that very moment. This was in Elementary school.
Even though my hair was always brushed and done, it wasn’t done in the way the other kids were doing theirs. I had baby curls that always seemed to get in the way.
I enjoyed my homework, learning new things, and being in school. Most of my friends did not.
The more I started to notice these things, the more I wanted to fit in. I spent years trying. I tried so hard to pick out the “cool” clothes when mom and I went back-to-school shopping. I would even wake up an hour and a half early to make sure my hair and makeup was just perfect before going to school. However, the more I tried, the more I didn’t fit in.
What I didn’t realize was that I was made to be different from the others, because my purpose was different from the others. Not that their purposes aren’t significant, because they are. It’s just that mine was different from theirs. The truth is that “we’ll miss who we’re made to be when we focus on what we think we’re supposed to be.” I was so focused on fitting in and becoming who I thought I was supposed to be, that I didn’t see or even give attention to who I was meant to become.
“When we operate out of the pressure to prove ourselves instead of walking in line with the purpose already inside us right where we are, we’ll always feel the need to keep up with and outrun others, to do something that’s impressive and be somebody, in order to find our place and keep it. But what if life isn’t about finding a safe place, holding our spot, or finishing first? What if it’s about becoming a safe place?”
But where do you start? How do you become a safe place?
“I think we’ve become so used to covering up problems from the outside, focusing on our image and how others perceive us, that we forgot to go deeper and deal with what’s going on inside—what’s actually causing the breakouts, flare-ups, and swells of insecurities. When we get infected with expectations or when the pressure to prove swells, insecurity breaks out.”
And once insecurity breaks out, it spreads….and it spreads fast!
Confession time…there are a lot of things in my life that I feel insecure about (my weight, love, being good enough, and the list goes on and on) and in the past I would burry those issues deep inside me, as to never let them show. “It’s as if I wanted to appear confident instead of actually doing the work it took to become confident.” Now—as I am slowly addressing those issues and working on actually becoming confident, I have learned that in order to move past those insecurities, those insecurities must be shared.
Most of my insecurities stem from something that someone has said or believed about me in the past—with that someone being a person whom I loved or highly admired. I know, I know—I need to not focus so much on what others think of me and focus more on what I think of me, and I am working on that. Trust me. But right now, I am still sitting with some of the hurt and a little of the shame.
Story time—I was married before Scott to a man who was angry and looking back, I am not so sure he was angry with me as much as he was angry with himself. However, most of his anger was thrown at me, in the form of words and a coffee table once. Hence, the insecurity of being loved and never feeling good enough.
In the midst of our divorce, his sister-in-law showed up on our front door step wanting to talk. I explained that this wasn’t a good time and that I could talk to her later. She insisted. I remember sitting on my front porch as she pulled out a paper and began to read from it. It was a list of all of the things that I done, in the past 3 ½ years I was married and while I was dating her brother-in-law, to offend her. Front and back mind you. She explained that she had talked them over with all of my ex-husband’s family, her family, and friends to see if she should address them with me. So, I am sitting there already heated from the argument with my ex-husband that she interrupted, and now I know that she has aired her opinion of me to practically everyone she knows. She read the list to me and one-by-one I defended myself on the issue. Most of these things that she chose to be offended over had absolutely nothing to do with her. At the end of this torture, she did, at the request of her mother, list maybe 5 things that she liked about me. Then she left.
I don’t share this story for your sympathy or because I want to rant about my ex-sister-in-law, because that’s not what I am after or what I am about. I have forgiven her and moved on from this experience. I am sharing this experience with you because it has left a deep mark on me…sometimes even feeling permanent. While I know anything can be removed with effort, it has taken me many years to even admit that this moment in time had an effect on me. The effect is that I am a little less trusting of new friends and even my extended family that comes with marriage. That’s simply because I thought that my ex-sister-in-law and I were friends. Meanwhile, she is compiling a list of things I have done to offend her and airing it to anyone who will listen. But there is another effect as well, the fact that my ex-husband didn’t stand up for me. The one person that is supposed to be on your side, wasn’t. I think that hurt the most. Again, I have forgiven both of the people involved and I don’t hold any grudges against them. However, the effect of their actions still has an impact on me today.
I also share this story because I feel like it has a lesson to be learned from it. The lesson is that everyone has their own opinions and everyone has the choice to share those opinions with others. However, it is our responsibility to either choose to let those opinions in (sometimes positive criticism can help a person to change for the better) or to say thank you for your opinion and move on—giving no thought to that opinion, because that is just what it is…an opinion!
“Sister, we’ve got to be brave enough to deal with the dirt in our lives—not by covering it up but by digging right into it. We’ve got to stop the surface-level show we put on to prove ourselves. That only tears down our confidence, eats away at our faith, and distracts us from the life we’re made for. If you want to break through barriers, you’ve got to break ground. In other words, if you want to build something beautiful with your one wild and magnificent life, you’ve got to go beneath the surface. You’ve got to start in the heart. Own up to your insecurities. Acknowledge they exist, and then take action for how you’ll deal with them at the root. They may be caused by someone else who cut you down or pointed them out, but guess what? You get to take responsibility for how you’ll respond.”
I wish I would have been confident enough in myself at that time to bravely state to her, “Thank you for your opinion. I am sorry that you feel that way about me. I hope you find the peace you are looking for,” and brush off her opinion and move forward with a smile on my face knowing that I am good person.
“Your purpose begins with being 100 percent you—you showing up every single day in spite of the things you believe disqualify you from trying. It begins with getting into the nitty-gritty parts of your heart. It starts with those parts of you that you’ve ignored, covered up, and accepted as your reality because you’re too dang stubborn to take the mask off and ask for help—from God, from your mom, from a professional, or from all of the above. I believe that purpose begins with taking responsibility and dealing with the dirt on the inside—the lies you believe and the toxic things you say to yourself—before caking on the stuff that you think makes you more confident on the outside. So, here’s my simple challenge to put raw confidence that comes from the inside, not from your image, into action: for 30 days, make it your mission to stop picking yourself apart in front of other women. Actually, just stop picking yourself apart, period. Don’t call yourself fat. Don’t point out your flaws in every photo you take with your friends. That is no way to talk to yourself, sister. If you wouldn’t say it to your friend, don’t say it to yourself!”
Sometimes I feel like we need the reminder of “If you wouldn’t say it to your friend, don’t say it to yourself!” I also feel like if we accept Jordan’s challenge, we are able to shed light on an area—the area of negative self-talk—that is oftentimes ignored. After accepting her challenge, I was shocked at how badly I spoke to myself and about myself, when simply both are just plain unnecessary. Talking bad about myself or to myself solves nothing and definitely doesn’t move me toward the person I want to become.
“Take responsibility for your insecurity and be brave enough to go deeper and let God work inside you instead of obsessing over how you are perceived on the outside. This is where the confidence it takes to break through the pressure to prove and live your purpose starts: with you.”
GETTING UNSTUCK
Have you ever felt like you’re living a double life, like you are portraying yourself as one thing even though you are something completely different on the inside? I am 99% sure that all of us, at some point in time, have felt this way. This is called Imposter Syndrome.
Jordan believes that when we are adhering to someone else’s expectations for us, without living up to our own expectations for our own lives, focusing on what people may think of us (their opinion) if we try something new, living within a label we have created for ourselves, and not wanting to let others see us fail, we are living our lives as an imposter and are giving way to Imposter Syndrome.
How do we break the mold and stop being an imposter in order to become who we are truly meant to be? Jordan presents 5 Tips for Overcoming Imposter Syndrome.
1. Ask More Questions and Be Coachable
“When you begin to feel unqualified or like an imposter, it’s so much better to admit that you’re not sure and ask for help instead of trying to mask it and act as if you know what you’re doing.”
2. Embrace Your Reality and Start Where You Are
“I’ve found that it helps to look inward to see where insecurity is coming from. I focus on what I am equipped to do instead of looking at everyone else and becoming frustrated by what I’m unable to do.”
3. Be Prepared to Fail
“Many people will tell you to expect failure, but they’ll stop right there. What good is it to expect something if you aren’t prepared to handle it? If the meteorologist tells me to expect a blizzard and I don’t prepare by turning the heat up in my house or changing my travel plans or salting my driveway before it hits, that blizzard is going to have a much worse effect on my life than it would’ve if I had prepared for it. So don’t merely expect failure but actually prepare for how you will respond when it comes.”
4. Shift Your Perspective on Failure
“Unless you refuse to try or just quit being willing to grow, then no matter how bad it is, it’s not failure; it’s learning. You overcome impostor syndrome and unfigured-out dreams by learning. If you’re always looking at mess-ups as learning experiences, you will never fail.”
5. Execute Incremental, Implementable Imperfection Action
“Take the pressure off, sis. Nothing you try, nothing you put your hand to—whether it’s med school, making your own small business, or mothering—will be an overnight production. There’s wisdom in planning. But if it comes down to either figuring it all out or just digging deep down inside yourself and taking a baby step toward beginning, I vote for the latter option. Because big steps are really just the result of incremental decisions implemented perfectly, one at a time.”
WHAT TO DO NOW
“I don’t know what you’re waiting for, but I do know that if you’re focused on what you’re waiting for, chances are you’re wasting the opportunity to live life to the fullest right where you are. Why are we sitting around waiting for some magical day when it’ll all suddenly just click for us? Why do we make our purpose in life contingent upon a certain milestone, accomplishment, outcome, or opportunity? I mean really. Be honest with yourself: What is your mind-set toward unfigured-out seasons? If you look at today as a day to get through instead of a day to live through, or if you always look at your future as something to figure out, you are going to be incredibly dissatisfied with your life.”
I know we have all said, “I’ll be happy when___________.” I’ll be happy when I am done with school. I’ll be happy when I land the job of my dreams. I’ll be happy when I am married. I’ll be happy when I have kids. I’ll be happy when I when purchase a bigger house. I’ll be happy when the kids leave for college. The list goes on and on.
“We often turn long, hard seasons full of uncomfortable change into something to endure rather than something to enjoy because of what we can learn. Something to wish away instead of something to celebrate. We anticipate the next season with eagerness. When it doesn’t come fast enough, we fixate on our unmet expectations instead of on the holy invitation to see the purpose even in this—even in the waiting, the breaking down, and the long and awkward road to becoming who God made us to be. We fail to see who we can reach, how we can love, and even what we can let go of right here and instead focus on getting over there. Maybe you desperately want to fast-forward through hard seasons, bypass the discomfort that comes with change, and just get to the “good-stuff” already. I get that. I’m guilty of this too. But let me tell you: this is the good stuff. Just because you’re not at your desired destination does not mean you are unable to live out your destiny right here on the divine middle ground. Doing anything worthwhile with our lives requires that we go though the process, not around it.”
When going through hard seasons of life, I have tried to live up to the words of Joseph B. Wirthlin’s mother, “Come what may and love it.” No matter what happens or what circumstances are thrown your way, you can find something to love about the season of life that you are in.
Jordan includes this mantra in the last few pages of her book:
“I might not be where I want to be, but I am where I’m supposed to be. My circumstances don’t define me. I’ll press on past the pressure to prove because God made me on purpose for a purpose. I’ll choose to see people. I’ll share my story even before Ig et to the happy ending. I’ll give my gifts away instead of just looking for my gift. Instead of avoiding failure, I’ll bravely step into the fun of adventure. I’ll be a culture changer instead of being changed by the culture. I’ll celebrate the beauty of this season and the challenges that come with change. I’ll embrace the waiting, and in the middle of it, I’ll love people with a heart of intentional purpose.”
I encourage you to find a mantra that speaks to you. Print out the words, write them on a sticky note, or even put them as the background on your phone. Read it daily. Let the words become a prayer that you want to live your day by, your life by.
“Because you, sister friend, are not an accident. You are not merely a work in progress. You are a woman of purpose, uniquely chosen to change today’s world. Stop trying to be fancy or measure up. Just show up and be faithful where you are, with what you have. Don’t let the pressure to prove get in the way. And watch what happens. Ready, set, own your everyday.”
All quotes were taken directly from
“Own Your Everyday”
written by Jordan Lee Dooley.
Here is a link to where I obtained my mantra from:
To follow Jordan Lee Dooley or to purchase her book “Own Your Everyday,”
please visit the following:
Amber, thank you for such an insightful review. Based on this review I have bought the book “Own Your Everyday With Confidence”. I’m excited to read it and find my own mantra to live by. Thank you for sharing stories of your past as well. Your Grandma Edna was a truly amazing lady!